If You Give a Pirate Coffee
by PerhapsImInsane
Summary: Emma introduces Hook to coffee, which she will quickly regret. T for savior swearing.


"Emma, I can't seem to find my leather jacket-" Hook began. "Laundry bin at the bottom of the stairs!" Emma called. Startled, he made his way to where Emma instructed him to go, and sure enough, he could clearly see his jacket peeking out from under the lid of the bin.

Fishing it out, he put it on and waited for Emma to finish getting ready. He knew he probably would not have to wait very long. He was aware that Emma, having been in a rush for most of her life, was experienced in quick morning routines. Sure enough, within a few minutes, Emma had exited the bathroom and had her shoes on her feet.

"You ready, Hook?" She asked. "Yes. Now can you introduce me to this miracle beverage you refer to as 'coffee'? I am very curious to know what it is." Emma sighed with longing at the mention of coffee. She needed a cup now, and although she could have easily made it with David's coffee machine, the coffee at Granny's was better.

David always badgered her for not using the coffee machine, because "it's so easy to use" and "it's much cheaper" and "you doesn't even have to leave the house", but deep down, Emma knew she could never enjoy the coffee at home the way she did the coffee at Granny's.

"Well, to put it simply, coffee is liquid happiness." She said dreamily. Funny, Hook thought absently, that's what I always called rum back in the Enchanted Forest.

Emma held the door to Granny's open for Hook, and the moment he passed through, she sat down at the counter and ordered herself and Hook an espresso.

"Have you tried the coffee in this land before?" Ruby asked Hook. "No, I haven't had the pleasure." Ruby slyly grinned at Emma. "Ooh, you've been missing out! This one's on the house." Emma smiled back. "Thanks so much, Ruby."

A few minutes later, Hook and Emma each had a steaming hot espresso sitting in front of them. Emma blew on hers, then drank several sips. Hook, somewhat wary of the foreign substance, was more reluctant to try it. However, his curiosity won out, and he tentatively sipped from the cup.

Hook could have sworn his taste buds just burst. He couldn't describe it at all. He had never, in all his years as a pirate, had anything quite like this. He found he couldn't stop himself from drinking out of the cup. Once he had finished almost three quarters of the cup, he stopped, set it down, and turned to Emma with huge eyes, who had been watching his entire reaction.

"This truly is a miracle beverage." She smiled knowingly. "Yes, it truly is. It will energize you too, however, so you should probably stop for now. I don't know how it will affect you." Hook nodded, disoriented, having registered absolutely nothing she had said, and when Emma left to go to the bathroom, Hook ordered another espresso. And another. And another. By the time Emma returned, Hook was surrounded by empty cups.

He turned to her. His eyes held a slightly crazed look, and kept darting everywhere, not focusing on even her face. Emma was alarmed. "Hook, how many cups of coffee did you have?" His head twitched unnaturally. "I don't know, Emmie. Emmie, Emmie, Emmie. Did you change your hair? Why is it so bright? It was a pretty color before. It hurts my eyes now." He said in one rushed breath. Emma warily looked for Ruby, who had conveniently fled the scene. She counted the cups littered around him.

"Hook! You had seven cups of coffee?! Are you insane?! I told you to stop drinking after that first cup!" Hook grinned. "When you're mad at me, I always picture steam coming out of your ears. It's very entertaining." Emma groaned. "This was a mistake. Come on, Hook. You're coming home with me." Too late, Emma realized her poor choice of words, and Hook's eyes narrowed devilishly. "Are you hoping to take advantage of me while I'm not thinking clearly? Because I have no problem with that." He purred. Well, to be honest, I did practically hand him that opportunity on a golden platter. Emma thought. Outwardly she pressed her lips together and yanked him to his feet.

"Owwww, Emma! That hurt!" She ignored his whining and power-walked back to Mary Margaret's place, praying for the house to be empty. Hook practically ran in front of her. He kept running, all the way back to Mary Margaret's. He was waiting for her as she made her way up the stairs. As soon as Emma unlocked the door, Hook toppled in, taking Emma down with him. Somehow, she ended up sprawled on top of him in a very suggestive position. When the realization of their situation dawned on him, he slowly smiled. Face reddening, she pushed herself up before Hook could make a comment.

"Get up. If you had listened to me, none of this would have been happening." He grinned deliriously. "But you're enjoying some of this, Swan, aren't you?" She stopped in the middle of hanging up her jacket and snorted. "Seeing you act as dizzy as a kid who just got off a rollercoaster, yes, I am enjoying that very much. Now take off your shoes, and for God's sake, Hook, keep your hands still!" Hook had been fidgeting furiously with the buttons on his shirt, but had obeyed Emma and dropped his hands loosely at his sides, before crossing his arms, then shoving them in his pockets, then placing them on his hips.

Meanwhile, Emma, having never been faced with a situation quite like this, had no idea what to do. If Hook had been drunk, she would have known exactly what to do. If Hook was feverish, she would have had an easy job laid out for her. Basically, any other situation in which a person is not thinking clearly would have been much simpler. She went to her laptop and Googled "how to calm a hyper child". Hook didn't quite fit the description, but after watching him name his own fingers and sort every item in the fridge in alphabetical order, starting with U, she decided he was close enough.

Emma sighed. None of the suggestions could have been used on Hook. His case was simply too unnatural. Glancing over to Hook and watching him search through every room because he "couldn't seem to find his hook", convinced Emma that she should let him tire himself out until he crashed from his high. Emma didn't have anywhere to be, so some unplanned babysitting wouldn't be a problem.

Hook had never seen the world quite like this. Everything was so vibrant. He swore he could see objects vibrating and pulsing as though they had a heartbeat. Being drunk was nothing compared to this. He turned to Emma, who looked tired, and stared at her blonde hair, which had become a bright, almost neon orange. A question burned through his mind as he stared at her. "How do you look so pretty, even with orangey hair?" He wondered aloud. It genuinely confused him. Emma rolled her eyes. "Cut it out, Hook. Clearly you're not thinking straight if my hair is looks orange to you." She said sharply.

 **justimaginetheprogressionoftime**

"Hook, do you want want anything to eat?" Emma asked him from across the kitchen counter.

Emma reheated French fries for herself and Hook, but Hook couldn't sit still and eat them. He wandered around the house, babbling to himself about how "that idiot Smee spilled fish all over the deck" and "what if the Jolly Roger secretly had duck feet". Emma, reading a bit more into the subject of coffee overdose, suddenly realized what was about to happen. Hook stopped in the middle of telling himself a story about a mop that didn't know how to dance, as thought he had run into a brick wall, and swayed on the spot. Emma, rushing to him, managed to catch him just before he collapsed on the hardwood floor.

She did her best to carefully pull him across the room to the bed, but after getting about a foot closer in ten minutes, she decided that having been a pirate (his hand had been chopped off, for God's sake), Hook would probably survive a less gentle, but quicker method of being transferred to the bed. She tossed him over her shoulder, and proceeded to stumble towards her destination. Finally arriving at the bed, she dropped Hook, not bothering to cover him with a blanket, and left him alone so he could sleep off the coffee.

Hook stirred, and slowly his eyes fluttered open. "Emma? What happened?" He groaned, sitting up in bed. "Do you remember anything?" Emma carefully asked, who had stationed herself at the foot of the bed in case Hook woke up. "No, I don't. But did you happen to dye your hair orange or something? I feel like you did that at one point."

 _ **If you give a pirate coffee**_

 ** _chaos will ensue_**

 ** _just take it from Emma_**

 ** _its something you shouldn't do_**


End file.
